Dear Mr Crawshaw,<p>In reply to your query, we never have enough places at our hospital for all the people who need help. If we did, there are many Canvey fans would be enjoying our facilities, inlcuding those two gentlemen Merv and Ian. One of them is far too clever for his own good and the other far too good looking - I leave you to work out which is which.<p>But it is you who interests me most. Many of my patients suffer from a condition known as 'p***s Envy'(sorry, the censor has caught me out - the biological term for a John Thomas). However, I suspect from reading your postings that you suffer from a similar condition, 'Jeff King Envy'. Whereas p***s Envy is curable by good counselling and self-administered sex-therapy, JKE has no cure. In fact, it has been known to be fatal - although there are a few things that can alleviate the symptoms:<p>1) Pay your £8 to watch Canvey and treat it as an honour to do so, you won't be disappointed,
2) Be happy for the Canvey fans who are getting what they want/deserve and don't spoil their fun, regardless of how much they pay,
3) Grow a thicker skin (or, in the vernacular, c**k a deaf 'un - censor again, rhymes with rock) when you hear bad language at a football match, regardless of who utters it,
4) Don't whatever you do, develop a Ray Cross Envy. That is always terminal.
5) Share your humble/apple pie with Merv but be careful both of you, far too many calories.<p>If there is no improvement there is one final cure that will put an end to all the problems that you, Merv, Frenchy, Vic, Wilf et. al., are having. But it might be very painful for you.<p>Dr Zbungle's Magic Cure
Come to Park Lane, make yourself known to any of the persons named above and have a couple of drinks with them in the bar. Talk, argue and debate, but most important, have a laugh. It's when people take themselves too seriously that my hospital gets full.<p>Mine's a pint Creme de Menthe shandy.<p>Dr Zbungle
Chief Psychiatric Officer
Runwell Hospital<p>[ 08 January 2002: This message was edited by: Dr Zbungle ]<p>[ 08 January 2002: This message was edited by: Dr Zbungle ]</p>