Jump to content
Fans Focus - Non League Football

Martin

Regular Users
  • Posts

    7,812
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    8

Posts posted by Martin

  1. Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un[****!!****]ingbelievable!"

     

  2. The issue isn't whether or not they behave reasonably. The issue is that heavy drinking damages health. The NHS reports that drink related illnesses and incidents are creating a drain on their resources. Prevention is better than cure and therefore the Government is trying to re-educate a nations drinking habits. There are various campaigns and schemes aimed at all walks of life.

  3. If these type of comments were made against another religious group would they be tolerated?

     

    The Catholic church opens itself up for a degree of intolerance and justified criticism but then we live in a country which created a religion to enable a obese despot get a divorce. Of course the current head of that church is also a "Nazi" after all they are German as well.

  4. Neither brilliant or oiginal. But plenty of in jokes for 24 fans and the one about Kim's virginity is quite funny.

     

     

    1 There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.

    2 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

    3 Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

    4 On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.

    5 Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.

    6 When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.

    7 Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.

    8 When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.

    9 There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.

    10 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

    11 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

    12 Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.

    13 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

    14 When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.

    15 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

    16 Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.

    17 Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.

    18 Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.

    19 Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

    20 Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets. So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.

    21 Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.

    22 Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.

    23 The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.

    24 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

    25 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.

    26 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.

    27 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

    28 If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.

    29 If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's [****!!****] beef.

    30 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

    31 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

    32 Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.

    33 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

    34 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

    35 After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.

    36 Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.

    37 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

    38 The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself

    39 If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

    40 Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.

    41 When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer [****!!****] hates lemonade.

    42 There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.

    43 The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

    44 My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.

    45 ...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."

    46 When Jack Bauer says, "I don't know if I can do this anymore", the statement must be loosely translated as, "I can still rip off your head, I just don't know if I feel like I can [****!!****] down your neck at this time."

    47 Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.

    48 Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

    49 Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

    50 A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.

    51 The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.

    52 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

    53 It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

    54 Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.

    55 If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

    56 Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."

    57 MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.

    58 Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.

    59 Jack Bauer doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.

    60 Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.

    61 If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.

    62 The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.

    63 Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."

    64 Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

    65 Jack Bauer can pronounce the name "Ahmed" however he [****!!****] wants.

    66 Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon". Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families. But statistics don't lie.

    67 In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.

    68 Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

    69 Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.

    70 When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.

    71 RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted.

    72 Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

    73 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.

    74 When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

    75 Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.

    76 Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.

    77 Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

    78 Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.

    79 When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.

    80 Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.

    81 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

    82 Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that.

    83 There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

    84 In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the [****!!****] have you done with your life?

    85 The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.

    86 Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

    87 "You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.

    88 When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

    89 Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.

    90 Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.

    91 Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

    92 Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

    93 Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

    94 Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

    95 When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.

    96 When Jack says "I won't take no for an answer" you better not say no.

    97 Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.

    98 When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn't fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.

    99 Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's [****!!****] Jack Bauer.

    100 When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.

     

     

  5. Slough Town do a sponsored walk to the last away game of every season. A couple of years back we walked to Worthing. There was six of us doing it - I was one. We spread it over three days and it was a total of sixty three miles.

     

    Vaseline is the key to avoiding chaffing and I found it does also help reduce blisters.

     

    I don't envy you trying to do it in 16 hours. Best of luck.

  6. I think the only mistake you've made is the manager saying you'll challenge for promotion which has made a rod for his own back. After the season you had last year to rebuild the side score shed loads of goals and finish comfortbaly mid table is an achievement. Some of the signings have looked great on paper (I'm particularly thinking Ursell here who seems to have been constantly injured) and I am sure you will finish higher in the league than Slough next season and possibly challenge for promotion. But then having two sets of fans helping to pay the bills does help.

  7. Pleasure.

     

    We were a side already relegated before the financial problems kicked in this season. There was no way back from our abysmal start which sounds very reminiscent of your own relegation last season.

     

    It was a Windsor fan who started this thread which was inevitably going to provoke "debate."

  8. Chels - yes.

     

    Hammerman - it is no-one. The Slough players who started the season were heavily criticised particularly the likes of Jarvis, Wallace and Drake who were happy to pick up hefty pay packets without putting in enough effort. The players who are finishing the season are trying their best for little monetary reward and quite rightly deserve no criticism. We have been relegated because we started the season so badly with a team that "looked good on paper."

  9. Originally Posted By: chels - WEFC
    loyal fans? crowds slowly dwindling, and where are the 3000 so called 'loyal fans' that watched you against Walsall in the cup then?


    Well one of those posted directly above you, he is midget who goes under the handle Woody-WEFC and can clearly be seen celebrating the winning goal. But that was back in the day when he was less committed to the mighty red and green goal machine and more a glory hunter.
  10. Woody of course people can comment as they like but if they are going to criticise my posts they could at least have the courtesy to read them properly first.

     

    At no point did I say we have loyal or numerous supporters. I said "we have some of the finest supporters in the land." I defy anyone who was at Kingsmeadow or seen the video to say otherwise. I doubt many teams that were on the end of a 9-0 drubbing have ever been clapped off the pitch in such a way or been supported throughout.

     

    At no point did I say we are a big club or that we deserve to be in the Conference. We were very much an Isthmian Premier Club and never any more despite our brief flirtations with the Conference. I was accusing Windsor fans of being stuck in the past and failing to realise that we are not the club we once were particularly given the recent gloating and revelling in our predicament.

     

     

  11. Nowt like chucking your own piss in your eye.

     

    They are not my words they are the words of opposition supporters. We are the sort of club that get opposition supporters coming onto our forum praising us for the way we support our team through thin and thinner.

     

    You are the sort of club that gets comments about the small number of foul mouthed pissheads that do your own club a dis-service.

     

    I've now doubt Windsor want us back next season and I am sure we will be there. Peter Simpson a man with some nous and dignity will welcome us back with open arms. But I also know that we have other options about where we play. The fact that the club chooses not to take them is sadly something I have no influence over.

     

     

  12. Zoom you really are a piece of [****!!****].

     

    If you even had the vaguest notion of what was going on at our club you would realise that we have some of the finest supporters in the land and that our current crop of players genuinely turn out because of a loyalty to the club and therefore deserve no criticism. It is you lot with petty jealousies from years past that create a rivalry.

     

    All the best in your promotion "push" because if I had my way we would never encounter you lot in any circumstances.

     

     

  13. Sorry for the typo Geggy. All sorted now. Slightly different to Eaton and Eton but no worries. Typical that it happens when I'm being a pedant though.

     

    The reason this thread started was because Windsor fans were laying into Seeds and Slough fans had an opinion with him being an ex-player. I know Slough fans remember his magnificent hat trick against Worthing and just wished he could have produced more games like that in the Amber and Blue

  14. Can't resist pointing out that the place is actually called Eton.

     

    Just wondering is there like a dancers forum where all this bitchiness and innuendo goes on? It's more interesting than reading about Slough's latest drubbing or whether or not Windsor are on a "play-off charge".

     

     

  15. The British military has launched a satelite communications system called Skynet. To provide secure communication between our armed forces that is subject to very low levels of interference. Jesus H Christ have these people not seen Terminator?

×
×
  • Create New...