Jago

An exciting finish at The Bridge (not that I was there). And an exciting finish beckons in the Prediction League too (not that I am realistically there either). UrchinYid tripped up at the Exiled Lord who now looks safe from the dreaded drop, but wins for Paul C and Wivenhoe mean there’s still all to play for with two weeks to go. And Mr D is so confident of avoiding the drop he decided to give this week a miss – the unswerving certainty of youth eh? The Big Guns of Div 1 found it hard to score this week. Not so in Div 2, where Blackballed and a rewired Hatted Urchin both chalked up double figures. But the most exciting news is that we have a taker for the Dummy Team (thank you Mick The Bat), and that an administrative cock up by “Mr ISO 9001” Cup of Tea means a one point deduction for putting the scores after the fixtures. He’s been warned so your sympathy (if any) is misplaced. Finally, the battle of the bottom two went the way of Urchin Queen who proved too hot for Dinamo to handle. I know how he feels. Here it all is in glorious Technicolor® UPMINSTER DIVISION COLLIER ROW (S) For next week this is what you've got: Fixture predictions : Autumn League, Week 13, 15 Dec 2018. 2 WEEKS TO GO. Right load of old tosh this week Sion v Basel Palace v Leicester Huddersfield v Newcastle Hull v Brentford Brackley v Hornchurch Hayes & Y (FAT) Att: Up the Urchins, Jago

You've had your warning. One point deducted. Obviously I'm quite excited about this but it does mean I'll need a new column in the spreadsheet!

Valencia 1-2 Sevilla Cardiff 1-1 Southampton Chelsea 0-1 Manchester City Barking 1-2v Grays Urchins1-0 Kingstonian Att 208

Is it the drugs? Did they stop working?

We had four away wins this week and one draw. I shall have to have a word with this Stimson geezer if he keeps upsetting the sequential purity of the prediction results. But welcome anyway Mark. The trickiest tie of the week was apparently the Toon-Irons showdown where only Mr D picked up any points at all. Shame on the rest of you ‘ammers for lacking the faith. Not that it did Mr D much good in the long run as the rest of his predictions were pants. Up at the top it really couldn’t be more exciting (no, really it couldn’t). Three teams still locked together as Paul C squeaked past Wivenhoe, and UrchinYid bribed his touring-mate Fat Tom to stay in the Ukraine and thereby barge his way back to the top on goals scored. Ozz won the Ozz-Lord Upminster derby to leapfrog our resident tractor driver into 4th place, but frankly only the top 3 are safe. In Div 2 there was a surprise defeat for the Dummy Team: well done Luke (only he knows how hard that is for me to say). COYS is looking unexpectedly competent as well. And WAKE UP DINAMO. Or give me a tenner for the Dummy Team before Thomson gives me 20*. Here it all is: UPMINSTER DIVISION COLLIER ROW BOYZZ (South, innit) Next Week : Fixture predictions : Autumn League, Week 12, 8 Dec 2018. Valencia v Sevilla Cardiff v Southampton Chelsea v Manchester City Barking v Grays Urchins v Kingstonian Att Up the Urchins, The Essex Barca Jago * Probably 20 PENCE I expect

Monaco 1-2 Montpellier Newcastle 2-1 WHU Sheffield Utd 1-1 Leeds (12:30) Maidstone 1-2 Hornchurch Oldham (FAC) Whitehawk 1-3 Hornchurch Att : 256

In the wake of Jimmy’s announcement this is all a bit of a side show (whaddaymean “as ever”?) so I’ll keep it short. Though Blackballed may never forgive me if I don’t point out he finally won a game. Mind you it was only against Cup of Tea. In Div 1, Wivvers has gone 3 points clear at the top after winning the 6 pointer v UrchinYid. The bottom 3 all won so a rare win for my good self was rendered essentially irrelevant. As for Div 2 – The Dummy Team are nearly out of sight. Anyone wanna buy in? UPMINSTER DIVISION COLLIER ROW (South) NEXT WEEK WE HAVE: Fixture predictions, Autumn League, Week 11, 1 Dec 2018. Monaco v Montpellier Newcastle v WHU Sheffield Utd v Leeds (12:30) Maidstone v Hornchurch Oldham (FAC) Whitehawk v Hornchurch Att : Jimmy Mac's Red and Red Army Jago

At. Madrid 1-1 Barcelona Fulham 2-1 Southampton Tottenham 1-2 Chelsea Romford 0-1 Basildon Haringey B 1-2 Hornchurch Att : 222

Great game yesterday – thoroughly enjoyed it. Less enjoyable were my predictions but on balance I’ll take that as a decent Saturday. In Div 1 it’s pretty much as you were with the BIG 3 all winning (UrchinY, Wivvers, and Paul C) – though quite how Paul managed to win with 5 goals is anyone’s guess. (OK so it was because Lord Up had one of those days where his elbow and bottom got rather confused). As the pundits will tell you, if you can win when playing badly, blah blah blah. Down at the bottom – well – three of us are getting cast adrift after Fat Tom won his six-pointer against a fast dropping Mr D - who may be considering a name change to the slightly more accurate Mr L. I appear to have thrown in the towel. In Division 2, last week’s boasts from The Hatted “look who’s still top” Urchin were firmly consigned to the hubris pile when his pretend Scottish boys were so appalling they scored fewer than the real Scottish boys. And as you may expect the juggernaut that is the Dummy Team just keeps rolling on, brushing aside a willing but ultimately outclassed Urchin Dynamo. TNS are now top by 3 points. COME ON YOU HUMANS – shake a leg. Top scorer on the day was a Mr C. Tea of Collier Row (S). Well done sir – most unlike you. As an aside, I met a tearful Blakballed in the bar after the game – seeking my advice on how he could do better. Well Dave, all I can say is – not like that. And you now have a newly inspired Lady Jago breathing down your neck for the coveted second-bottom position. Exciting times. Read and weep :- Upminster Division Collier Row (south) division Next Week : and Fixture predictions : Autumn League, Week 10, 24 Nov 2018. At. Madrid v Barcelona Fulham v Southampton Tottenham v Chelsea Romford v Basildon Haringey B v Hornchurch Att : Administrative footnote - please read: The appalling saga of JagoGate means if we play the full 14 matches we will now finish on 22nd Dec, with the play-offs over Christmas/N Year. I think we may as well do this – but let me know if you’d rather stop after 12 games - if anyone does we’ll have a vote. THE COMMITTEE. Up the Urchins, The Essex Barca Jago

COME ON FALKIRK and Turkey.

I blame Thomson. If it wasn't for his controversial withdrawal we wouldn't all be being shown up by the algorithm to end all algorithms. And before anyone asks - yes TNS are eligible for promotion. If I were you I'd stump up a tenner* NOW to take them over and get yourself a chance of a Div 1 place next season. *or a fiver if you are from West Bromwich. Talking of which MR D - I'll be seeking you out relentlessly tomorrow Here are this week's losing scores: THE WIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZARDS Turkey 2-0 Sweden Albania 0-0 Scotland (let's face it -Scotland are NOT going to score) Italy 1-1 Portugal Falkirk 2-1 Partick Thistle Hornchurch 2-1 Worthing Att : 200

The FA Trophy eh? Well at least we still have the Essex Senior Cup to add to the league, err, excitement. What the Urchins need up top is a dose of the incredible footballing insight of Urchin Yid who became the first manager of the year to get the attendance bang-on. This helped the young spud to a magnificent 14 goals - while the rest of us blundered about like Mr Bean playing for Romf**d wearing a blindfold. Especially Ozz. So it’s now very tight at the top of Div 1, with Paul_C, Wivenhoe and the aforementioned UrchinYid all level on points, and The Lord of All Upminster ominously tucked in behind. Thereafter it’s a fight to see which two of you can be the most consistently inept to join me in being cast off into the abyss of Collier Row. (South). Talking of which, I checked the Oxford English Dictionary as part of my meticulous preparation of these notes, and wasn't surprised to see that "porous" now includes "Mr D's Defence" as an alternative description. Down in Div 2 there seems to be a conspiracy to allow the Dummy Team to win the group, thereby underlining once and for all the utter futility of this entire competition. NOTE : If anyone wants to take over the New Sheep, or has a wife/boyfriend/child or gullible friend who would like to do so, surely there is no better time? Just let me know. And then pay up... the boys may need some bigger studs for the forthcoming swamp season. The following makes unpleasant reading for many of us: UPMINSTER DIVISION COLLIER ROW (SOUTH) DIVISION Next Week we have : and and to predict upon : Autumn League, Week 9, 17 Nov 2018. Turkey v Sweden Albania v Scotland Italy v Portugal Falkirk v Partick Thistle Hornchurch v Worthing Att : Up the Urchins, the Essex Barcelona Jago

THE WIZZZZZZards B. Dortmund 1-2 Bayern Munchen Cardiff 1-2 Brighton (12:30) Chesterfield 1-2 Billericay (FAC) Keith 1-1 Wick Academy Brightlingsea 1-2 Hornchurch Att : 161

There used to be a football chant sung by those in the bottom 3 which went “The Football League, is Upside down, The Football League is Upside down, We’re going Up with York City, The Football League is Upside Down”. (Nb it didn’t matter whether York were in trouble or even in your division as I remember). Which is a long winded way of saying Mr and Mrs Jago both lost their respective basement battles, and that is all that counts this week. Feel free to add your own interpretation of your own magnificence if you must. Mr (and Mrs) Grumpy. Here’s the details: Division d'Upminster Division de Collier Row (Sud) Onto Next Week - 10th November Fixture predictions : Autumn League, Week 8, 10 Nov 2018. – Unfortunately Hampton are playing on Monday so we’re off to Chesterfield for the Cup B. Dortmund v Bayern Munchen Cardiff v Brighton (12:30) Chesterfield v Billericay (FAC) Keith v Wick Academy Brightlingsea v Hornchurch Att : Have a lovely week, Jago

THE WIZZZARDS Perth Glory 1-1 Brisbane Roar (11:00) The Arse 2-2 The Scouse Newcastle 1-1 Watford Fylde 1-0 Leyton Orient Bishop’s S 0-1 Hornchurch Att : 275