Jago

The FA Trophy eh? Well at least we still have the Essex Senior Cup to add to the league, err, excitement. What the Urchins need up top is a dose of the incredible footballing insight of Urchin Yid who became the first manager of the year to get the attendance bang-on. This helped the young spud to a magnificent 14 goals - while the rest of us blundered about like Mr Bean playing for Romf**d wearing a blindfold. Especially Ozz. So it’s now very tight at the top of Div 1, with Paul_C, Wivenhoe and the aforementioned UrchinYid all level on points, and The Lord of All Upminster ominously tucked in behind. Thereafter it’s a fight to see which two of you can be the most consistently inept to join me in being cast off into the abyss of Collier Row. (South). Talking of which, I checked the Oxford English Dictionary as part of my meticulous preparation of these notes, and wasn't surprised to see that "porous" now includes "Mr D's Defence" as an alternative description. Down in Div 2 there seems to be a conspiracy to allow the Dummy Team to win the group, thereby underlining once and for all the utter futility of this entire competition. NOTE : If anyone wants to take over the New Sheep, or has a wife/boyfriend/child or gullible friend who would like to do so, surely there is no better time? Just let me know. And then pay up... the boys may need some bigger studs for the forthcoming swamp season. The following makes unpleasant reading for many of us: UPMINSTER DIVISION COLLIER ROW (SOUTH) DIVISION Next Week we have : and and to predict upon : Autumn League, Week 9, 17 Nov 2018. Turkey v Sweden Albania v Scotland Italy v Portugal Falkirk v Partick Thistle Hornchurch v Worthing Att : Up the Urchins, the Essex Barcelona Jago

THE WIZZZZZZards B. Dortmund 1-2 Bayern Munchen Cardiff 1-2 Brighton (12:30) Chesterfield 1-2 Billericay (FAC) Keith 1-1 Wick Academy Brightlingsea 1-2 Hornchurch Att : 161

There used to be a football chant sung by those in the bottom 3 which went “The Football League, is Upside down, The Football League is Upside down, We’re going Up with York City, The Football League is Upside Down”. (Nb it didn’t matter whether York were in trouble or even in your division as I remember). Which is a long winded way of saying Mr and Mrs Jago both lost their respective basement battles, and that is all that counts this week. Feel free to add your own interpretation of your own magnificence if you must. Mr (and Mrs) Grumpy. Here’s the details: Division d'Upminster Division de Collier Row (Sud) Onto Next Week - 10th November Fixture predictions : Autumn League, Week 8, 10 Nov 2018. – Unfortunately Hampton are playing on Monday so we’re off to Chesterfield for the Cup B. Dortmund v Bayern Munchen Cardiff v Brighton (12:30) Chesterfield v Billericay (FAC) Keith v Wick Academy Brightlingsea v Hornchurch Att : Have a lovely week, Jago

THE WIZZZARDS Perth Glory 1-1 Brisbane Roar (11:00) The Arse 2-2 The Scouse Newcastle 1-1 Watford Fylde 1-0 Leyton Orient Bishop’s S 0-1 Hornchurch Att : 275

We may as well stop the prediction league now and just anoint Paul C as being in a simply different class from the rest of us. Well done Paul on yet another huge win – and for the third time in six weeks he is the league’s Top Scorer – an astonishing record. (Yes, we do have the Drugs Compliance Unit investigating him. Again). Meanwhile, it’s poor old Blackballed – smashes in Div 2’s best by a human being, only to find out “Computer Says No”. And finally, well done to Urchin Queen. Not only did she get to carve the first notch on her bedpost, it was against everyone’s favourite villain Cool Hand Luke. Here’s the details: UPMINSTA DIV COLLIER ROW (South) Next week - The bottom two go head-to-head in both divisions - and can Urchin Yid draw level with "Imperious Paul"? Fixture predictions : If you have a team you’d like to see featured, please let me know. And I'll ignore you. The Hatted Urchin will get his wish come true in week 8 when Wick Academy finally don’t have a banker defeat or win. And for those that are asking for South American games - you nearly got Fluminese v Vaso Da Gama. But you didn't. 😎 Autumn League, Week 7, 3 Nov 2018. Perth Glory v Brisbane Roar (11:00) The Arse v The Scouse Newcastle v Watford Fylde v Leyton Orient Bishop’s S v Hornchurch Att : UP THE URCHINS JAGO

UrchinYid - you just nestled down, copied Dinamo and then changed one character on a couple of lines didn't you? I'm liking your style - very Jim Royle. I'll give it a go too ... Torino 1-2 Fiorentina Brighton 0-1 Wolves Leicester 2-0 West Ham Colchester 1-1 Lincoln Hornchurch 2-0 Ramsgate (FAT) Att : 239

What a difference a last minute own goal in the Dutch league can make to a weekend. For Jago and Fat Tom – delight. For Ozz and Wivenhoe – despair. As for Urchins Dinamo and Queen – Netflix would have rejected the script on the grounds of implausibility. Anyway, with the weather getting a little colder this was the first weekend of no-shows, with Mr D and Cup of Tea both preferring the Fireside to the Darkside of the Prediction League. Paul C took full advantage of his opponent’s idleness to go 3 points clear at the top of Div1 – doing it the RIGHT way I might add. In Div 2 it was a case of the top 2 both winning by doing it the WRONG way in predicting defeats for the Chins (the only 2 such transgressions this year I think). Well if that’s how you wish to behave Lukey and Hatty, fine, but there’ll be a frosty reception awaiting you on The Eastside next time you show up. If Minty lets you into the ground in the first place. Here’s what’s what... UPMINSTER DIVISION COLLIER ROW (South) DIVISION And so onto next week where you can continue to shine against : Please predict on the following fixtures: Autumn League, Week 6, 27 Oct 2018. Torino v Fiorentina Brighton v Wolves Leicester v West Ham Colchester v Lincoln Hornchurch v Ramsgate (FAT) Att : Up the Urchins Jago

OOps. Also Mr D - not like him to miss. He's normally relatively competent. Anyway - here are the scores going into tonight's Dutch oven.

The Wizzzards Utrecht 2-0 AZ Alkmaar Cardiff 1-2 Fulham Wigan 1-1 West Brom Eastleigh 2-1 Hampton & R (FAC) Chins 1-0 Tonbridge Angels Att: 311

Dear Mr Hat. This is not the forum to share your sexual proclivities. Please check with Luke XiX or Tom Daley (the real one) for further information on suitable websites. Dear COYS. I agree. It's very very sad, but that's modern society I'm afraid. You'll notice it is the (relatively) younger element involved, so I guess those of us the generation up need to take a long hard look at our parenting skills. UrchinYid is surprisingly clearly a credit to you in this respect - especially as he probably still can't believe he's been lumbered with a lifetime of heartache and failure up The Lane. Anyway - it is not actually an OFFENCE to predict a Chins' loss - it is merely an AFFRONT TO HUMANITY and ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD. And the stats over the years show that the serial offenders DO NOT PROSPER (I'm looking at you - again - Mr Hat, and you - Urchin Queen). Oh and by the way, Luke's bigger offence is to put the scores after the fixtures, so he joins Cup of Tea and Wivenhoe on the brink of a point's deduction. Finally. Dear Blackballed. A good offer, but you'd probably hit the wrong button on the keyboard 😉 Have a lovely evening. THE COMMITTEE

I second that 1961. Tremendous effort well rewarded with an excellent turn-out and a good time had by all. (Bit like it used to be at White Hart Lane I guess!) Seriously - superb. Looking forward to next year already assuming the liver recovers.

Well I have to say that was a top event yesterday - well done to all who organised it. Extraordinary band too. I had a lovely time and I apologise now to those I offended during the course of the afternoon. Anyway, I did ask CuppaT, Paul C and Hatted Urchin to sort out the fixtures to give me a break and let me enjoy the session without my customary Sunday fixture anxiety. But yes, you've guessed it, "couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery" is the expression I think. Though Mr Hat did suggest we include Wick Academy. Good idea Gavin - except they're not actually playing, are they? As I said. Piss ups and breweries. Couldn't run a bath. Etc, etc. So we'll go with this lot instead: Fixtures to predict : Week 5, 20th October Utrecht v AZ Alkmaar Cardiff v Fulham Wigan v West Brom Eastleigh v Hampton & R (FAC) Chins v Tonbridge Angels Att: All the best to you all on this fine Monday evening (where England appear to be doing the Biz for once). Oops, Spain just scored... don't mention Dorking Wanderers. The artist formerly known as Jago

Hello everyone. Cor Cas eh? Hey-ho, on we go. (Donkey riding etc). Meanwhile the good thing about having our very own Urchin Queen in the league is that she makes the rest of us look vaguely competent - even Mr Hat (once the performance enhancing drugs have worn off- which appears to be the case). I’m doing this on my mobile this week as time is short and I have a beer festival to get to, so it’s anyone's guess how the formatting will work. And I don’t know how to *embolden* on Safari so no point in mentioning any of you as I know you only look for your own results. Though a quick shout out to new leader Mr D and well done Lord Upminster for squeaking the Ozzminster derby Classico. So here we go... UPMINSTER DIVISION Marshland Mardlers (Lord Upminster) 5-4 Dazedandconfused (Ozz) The Wizzzards (Jago) 9-11 The Flat Caps (Mr D) Lt Commander Data (Wivenhoe) 9-3 Back of the net (Paul C) Daley's Dream Team (Fat Tom) 9-10 HuttonDressedAsLahm (UrchinYid) Po Team P W D L F A Pt 1 The Flat Caps (Mr D) 4 3 0 1 41 39 9 2 Back of the net (Paul C) 4 3 0 1 39 35 9 3 HuttonDressedAsLahm (UrchinY) 4 3 0 1 36 29 9 4 Lt Commander Data (Wivenhoe) 4 2 1 1 31 25 7 5 Dazedandconfused (Ozz) 4 2 0 2 30 29 6 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 6 Marshland Mardlers (Lord Up) 4 2 0 2 29 30 6 7 The Wizzzards (Jago) 4 0 1 3 33 40 1 8 Daley's Dream Team (Fat Tom) 4 0 0 4 34 46 0 COLLIER ROW LOT Carroll's injured? (Cup of Tea) 7-2 Lana Del Jago (Urchin Queen) AFC Pulisball (Dinamo Urchin) 2-9 Retired & Idle (Blackballed) The New Sheep (Dummy Team) 4-9 Trojan XIX (Cool Hand Luke) Salad Dodger Hotspurs (1961 COYS) 9-5 Dennistoun Dynamos (Hatted Urchin) Po Team P W D L F A Pt 1 Dennistoun Dynamos (Hatted U) 4 3 0 1 31 21 9 2 Salad Dodger Hots (1961 COYS) 4 3 0 1 29 29 9 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 3 Trojan XIX (Cool Hand Luke) 4 2 1 1 40 26 7 4 Carroll's injured? (Cup of T) 4 2 1 1 36 30 7 5 Retired & Idle (Blackballed) 4 2 0 2 26 26 6 6 AFC Pulisball (Dinamo Urchin) 4 1 2 1 31 36 5 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 7 The New Sheep (Dummy Team) 4 1 0 3 30 37 3 8 Lana Del Jago (Urchin Queen) 4 0 0 4 18 36 0 Right. That took an hour on the phone and I’ve lost the will to live, so we’ll do the fixtures by committee at the beer fest. BE THERE IF YOU WANT A SAY. Toodle pip The Artist formerly (and indeed formally) known as Jago.

Luke - you are new here but you put the scores BETWEEN the teams or in front. NOT at the end as it's a pain when I do the excel. You have one more warning then it's a 1 point deduction. Currently on final warning are WIVENHOE and CUP OF TEA (next transgression is a point off). Power corrupts don't-ya-know Dr Draconian .

Slovakia 0-1 Czech Rep Netherlands 2-1 Germany Partick Thistle 1-2 Dundee United Gillingham 1-1 Southend Corinthian Casuals 0-2 Hornchurch Att : 266