Jago

I hate to say this Jordan - but Nathan's signature looks remarkably like D Collis to me 😀

Jordan - I know it's a team effort and all that, but your energy and enthusiasm are a constant marvel. A top night and exciting times.

My word. I think our very own Jasper Carrot has hit the jackpot. In the Psychological Sciences we have the concept of Paranoia. In the Natural Sciences we have the concept of the Tangent. And in the Essex Sciences we have the concept of Talking Bollocks. Jasper has woven them all into a truly brilliant triumph of paranoid, tangential bollock-speak. And never mind his own "chutzpah" in coming down here and taking our jobs. And women. And valued Upminster school places. (Nb - Disclaimer in case any Pay-by-results lawyers are lurking - I have not researched any of this... he may simply be a lonely itinerant Mexican in a brown poncho living in a tent outside a Lewes pub for all I know... at least that's how I last remember him). Anyway - the Macclesfield forum has announced an attendance of 3986 (well it was a big game) - so neither of our two combatants scored any more goals (quelle surprise). And the final score is accordingly confirmed as ... Lady Jago 9-6 Senor Brom Del Oeste. And so a debut season in the top flight beckons for 'er Ladyship (Well done Lana), while El Dinamo can look forward to yet another season of futility. Oh, and paranoid, tangential bollocks. = = = = = In other, more wholesome, news, both Ozz and Wivenhoe Urchin have traded their (theoretical) winnings for free entry next year. Many thanks to both... so we have raised £120 for Fat Tom's Gin habit the Supporters' Association. Many many thanks to all. Jago ps - bit of a result there for the Spurs!

As at Monday night the attendance at Macclesfield has still not been announced anywhere! Tinpot club They are even complaining about it on their fans' forum (oh the research lengths I go to for you lot). David Ruttley remains silent on the matter. But my money is still on 'er indoors.

This is great. Macclesfield have yet to announce the crowd so we don't currently know the winner of the PLg playoff. You'd think they'd have a little more sense of responsibility to the wider UK community than merely to concentrate on staying in the League. I've written to David Ruttley, (as you will be well aware he is the right honourable MP for Macclesfield), and am interested to see what he has to say on the matter. But as it's currently 9-6 to "Lady" Jago, El Dinamo needs an attendance of exactly 2519 or he's out. I know where my money is. Good Luck in Div 1 Mrs Jago, and I'm looking forward to a nice easy 6 points next season courtesy of Senor Brom.

Eh bien... Les jeux sont fait. As they don't say in Mexico

And here are the 3 happy winners of the trophies.... Wivenhoe with the Autumn League, Ozz with the Spring League, and Cup of Tea with the Spring Wooden Spoon (not awarded for the Autumn Wooden Spoon for reasons of marital harmony). Parental permission has been received where appropriate.

Well - that was a blow. Good luck George and Kenzer. It's been a pleasure. The play-off semi finals mustered a pathetic 20 goals between the 4 of us. A good reason we should all probably stay in Div 2, but as there has to be a "winner", here you go... So yes - yet again it's the two bottom placed qualifiers who qualify for the final. OH THE UNFAIRNESS OF IT ALL. But well done Lady Jago and Mr West Brom. (Or Señor Brom del Oeste as he is now know). So the final will be next week, Sat 4th May, kick off 3pm. LANA DEL JAGO (Urchin Queen) v AFC PULISBALL (Dinamo Urchin) Please predict on this lot: (it's the battle for the relegation to the Conference National League. Celta Vigo v Barcelona Cardiff v Palace West Ham v Southampton Swindon v Notts County Macclesfield v Cambridge Att: Cheers all JAGO

George eh? George will always be an Urchin in my eyes. We've been privileged to have you here. And Kenzer? Well he was my vote for player of the season last year (sorry Nathan!). So very sad to see you both go - but we mustn't be greedy to keep you if it's time to move on. All the best in your next ventures and of course pop back in when you can. Jago.

Inter Milan 1-2 Juventus C Palace 1-2 Everton Fulham 1-1 Cardiff Wingate 2-1 Burgess Hill Lewes 1-2 The Chins Are Staying UP Att : 732

I promised some end of season stats in the last post but lost the will to live. So you are not alone. Hopefully you will enjoy looking at these - and maybe it adds insight into why Andy Thomson (Thompson?) decided to take a break! PREDICTION LEAGUE - ROLE OF HONOUR

The Chins Are Staying Up The Chins Are Staying Up And now you're gonna believe us And now you're gonna believe us The Chins Are Staying Up 🥂 Not so Lord Upminster. In an absolute thriller at Wivvers Avenue, a 14-14 draw was enough to see Wivenhoe Urchin complete an amazing Houdini act to stay up on goals scored and dispatch His Lordship to the wilderness of Collier Row. To add to the agony, The Lord was one out (too low) on attendance... I don't know if Wivvers went to the Kingstonian match but if he did then that very act saw him home. Down at the bottom of Div 2, Cool Hand Luke smashed in an incredible 17 goals against a hapless Jago (that's me) defence - this equals the best score of all time since we moved to the head--to-head format (matching the aforementioned Wivenhoe's feat way back in 2015-16). This win also saw Luke leapfrog Cup of Tea for the feared Wooden Spoon position - which surprisingly is the first time the TeaMaster has finished bottom (see season by season stats further down this enormously long and tedious post). If you are looking for a season ticket next season then the Stadio della Luke is the place to go for goals - overall top scorer AND top conceder (is that a word?). Great entertainment Mr Luke. Oh yeah, and last but not least - Blackballed is Invincible, easily dispatching Lady Jago to emulate the Mighty Arsenal boys and PNE old-timers in going undefeated all season. Amazing stuff. Very well done sir. Next week we have the playoff semi finals - which has generated a police alert for the Jago derby. Normal rules: one leg, "penalties" if necessary decided by closest to the attendance then highest league position. UPMINSTER DIVISION - FINAL STANDINGS COLLIER ROW (S) DIVISION - FINAL STNDINGS NEXT WEEK - PLAY OFF SEMI FINALS One match - normal scoring rules. Drawn matches decided by closest to attendance, then league position. Matches to predict - 27th April by 15:00 Inter Milan v Juventus C Palace v Everton Fulham v Cardiff Wingate v Burgess Hill Lewes v The Chins Are Staying UP Att : Good luck to you all - and see you at Lewes JAGO

Well Simon. I know Romford are having a tough season but I mean... really??!

Akhisarspor 2-1 Antalyaspor (14:00) West Ham 2-1 Leicester Newcastle 2-1 Southampton Romford 2-1 Soham Kingstonian 2-3 Hornchurch Att : 280

ALL HAIL OZZ. The Championship was secured in a tight match against chief-challenger Paul C in a match where the defences were very much on top (which is code for saying both teams were both cr@p on the day - just that Paul was cr@ppier than Ozz). So well done sir - yet another trophy for Ozz Towers (well OK the same one recycled, and doubtless left behind the bar anyway). With a fair wind we will get an important club official to present the trophy at the Harlow game Down in Div 2, Blackballed grinds on remorselessly and has the chance to finish the season unbeaten - which would be an astonishing achievement for someone who still doesn't understand the rules nor how to use a keyboard. I'm sure I speak for us all when I say Come on Lady Jago good luck old-timer next week. All the playoff teams are now settled, so it's just the final relegation place which is up for grabs. It will be a titanic struggle I'm sure between Wivenhoe Urchin and Lord Upminster next weekend where Wivvers just needs a point and The Lord needs all 3. So let me be clear - Rule 86.8 states that in such circumstances, predicting 3 or more scores/attendances exactly the same as your opponent is OUTLAWED and punishable by automatic demotion (or some other dramatic and random action). I happen to know Wivvers would not stoop to this as he is a Gentleman, but I'm thinking ahead for a similar possibility in future which might include some of you other reprobates. Or you can always use the secret email address jago99@outlook.com But finishing on a happier note - golden boot winner this week is Hatted Urchin who scored 4 goals more than anyone else by using the simple idea of not overthinking it. It's all here for you : UPMINSTER DIVISION COLLIER ROW (SOUTH) DIVISION NEXT WEEK You are playing: You are predicting on: SPRING WEEK 14 (final week) : 20th April 2019 - we go to Turkey for Easter, and why not? Akhisarspor v Antalyaspor (14:00) West Ham v Leicester Newcastle v Southampton Romford v Soham Kingstonian v Hornchurch Att : Up the Urchins Jago