Staff policy

[Little Miss Urchin]

Updated Employee Handbook 2003

Effective immediately

 

 

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we

see you wearing £350 Prada sneakers &carrying a £600 Gucci Bag, we assume

you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you

dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may

buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress

in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need

a raise.

 

 

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are

able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

 

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all

your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

 

 

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called

Saturday & Sunday.

 

 

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The

vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, Dec. 25 & 26 and whatever day Easter

falls on

 

 

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead

friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have

non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee

involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late

afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and

subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done

enough.

 

 

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks

notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

 

 

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we

will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all

employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees

whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 andso on. If you're

unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the

next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may

swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees'

supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now

a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an

alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will

open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture

will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"

category.

 

 

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they

can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a

balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for

lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a

diet pill.

 

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive

employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,

complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,

allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be

directed elsewhere.

 

 

Have a nice week.

The management

[Big J R]

Looks very much like a Local Government employment contract to me !

 

(I speak from experience !)

[Urchino]

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