A Mixed Bag !!

[Big J R]

Why do women live longer than men?
99% of them don’t have wives!

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The wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text message:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

The husband, being a typical non-romantic male, replied: “Am on the toilet ... Please advise.”

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At an Irish wedding the minister offered this toast:

“Marriage is the union of two people who bring meaning to one another and make their life bearable. Will all the men please go stand beside that one person who has made their life bearable!”

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Group Therapy...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce : “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

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When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”

The mother said, “Why, Thank you, Johnnie.”

Johnnie said, “He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right ?”

“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.”

“That’s great”, said Little Johnnie, “coz he’d be Fu**ed if he needed glasses !!”