A Few More To.................

[Big J R]

...... brighten your day.

 

Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong, will.
O’Toole’s Law: Murphy was an optimist.
Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

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A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello ?”

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A young priest is walking down the street, a hooker walks up to him and says, ”A quickie for five bucks”, this confuses the priest so he keeps walking, pretty soon another hooker says the same thing, “a quickie for five bucks”, by now the priest is totally confused, so he gets to the church and goes to the reverend mother and asks  ”Reverend Mother, what’s a ‘quickie’ ?". She says,

 

“Same as in town  -  Five bucks !!”
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A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing ?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss ?” She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says, “Wow ! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had ! That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide ?”

 

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl !”

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A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic ?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would !” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt ? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever !” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars ? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says......

 

“Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

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Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, “I’m a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional.” The second guy says, “I’m a DINK. You know, double income, no kids.” The third guy says, “I’m a RUB. You know, rich urban biker.” They turn to the woman and ask, “So what are you ?”

 

The woman replies, “I’m a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc.”