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Can't believe it??!!??

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This lounge isn't laughing very much - doesn't anyone know any decent jokes - I thought the internet was full of them!!!!

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During a Man Utd training session Fergie announces he has to leave early and tells the players to continue training unsupervised.

"Sod that" says Roy Keane "I'm going to see my investor to discuss what to do with this weeks 50k"

"In that case I'm off too" says Dwight Yorke "I'm going clubbing tonight and I'll need plenty of time to look my best"

"I'm not hanging round" says Bartez "the boss told me to improve my keeping, I've been trying that for years and I still can't get the hang of it"

One by one they all sloped off until only Beckham was left.

"Come on Becks" they shouted, he replied "I'd love to get home early, Posh has got me a new playstation game but if I get caught I'll be on the subs bench forever more,"

Eventually Beckham got bored training on his own so he went home too, when he got in he couldn't find Posh and assumed she'd gone shopping and he put his playstation game on, then he heard some noise upstairs and went to investigate. Peeping into the bedroom he was shocked to see Posh on all fours with Fergie behind her moaning in pleasure, they hadn't seen him so he sneaked out of the house quietly.

The next day in training Fergie again leaves early and the players all slope off again, one asks Beckham if he's coming.

"Not likely" he replys "I almost got caught yesterday."

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Glad the test worked fine (didn't want to type it all out and find it wouldn't post) so here's a couple more:

Why can't Spurs fans sing?

Coz they've got no Sol boom,boom<p>Whats the difference between George Borg and Vanessa Feltz?

One is a fat load mouthed tart and the other is a TV presenter!

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A man walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantelpiece. He thinks, "that'll be perfect for my mother-in-law's birthday," so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is. "£10 for the rat, £100 for the story," replies the man.<p>Skip the story, thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for the tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass prat over, and millions of rats follow, one after the other, plunging to certain death. The bloke then runs back to the shop...<p>"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "I thought you'll be back for the story". "Sod the story, where's the brass Manchester United fan?"<p> <img src="graemlins/rotflmao.gif" border="0" alt="[rotflmao]" />

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One day William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mum! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives down the street and her name is Susan."

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." <p>William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." <p>Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this." <p>William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. <p>"Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." <p>His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father." <img src="graemlins/affig.gif" border="0" alt="affig" /> <img src="graemlins/smilie13.gif" border="0" alt="[smilie13]" />

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A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. It was

her husband, urgently warning her, "Honey, I just heard on the news that

there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!" <p>"It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's f***ing hundreds of

them!"

<img src="graemlins/happybouncer.gif" border="0" alt="happybouncer" /> <p> <img src="graemlins/ladys-man.gif" border="0" alt="[ladys-man]" /> <img src="graemlins/ladys-man.gif" border="0" alt="[ladys-man]" /> <img src="graemlins/happybouncer.gif" border="0" alt="happybouncer" />

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Paddy tells his mate Seamus how he has been out all day looking for work, "have you been to jeopardy?" asks Seamus, "where's that?" asks Paddy, "I'm not sure" replys Seamus "but they said on the news today that there were lots of jobs in jeopardy."<p>The Americans have been bombing Battersea dogs home, they'd heard there were Afghans there!<p>Mr Eskimo is driving through the snow when suddenly smoke starts pouring from his snow cat and it grinds to a halt, the breakdown man turns up and soon spots the problem "you've blown a seal" he says, "I've done no such thing" replys Mr Eskimo angrily "thats ice on my beard".

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Subject: Darwin Awards 2001

It's that time again . . . . .They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was

killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.........

And the nominees are:

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his ****** for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward indeed.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and

removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his ***** between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).

According to the story, after his ****** the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren

Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in West Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later

described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

 

And the winner . .. . The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy

had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds,

causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile

remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph...

 

The latest nominee for this years Darwin Award (awarded to people for incredible feats of stupidity) goes to.... Everitt Sanchez. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.

Much to his dismay, one of his buddies up'd the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from

the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

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