Did that count ???

[vienna1964]

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted.

 

This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

 

1. Oral Sex does not count.

 

2. If you can't remember the person's name

the following day...it doesn't count...

 

3. If you failed to call the person back to

have more sex...doesn't count...

 

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm...it

doesn't count...

 

5. Sex with a friend...it doesn't count

...it's just another thing you share...

 

6. If the act was so lame, you leave

thinking "Did I shave my legs for

this"...it doesn't count...

 

7. An old flame...it doesn't count...

 

8. An ex-spouse...it doesn't count, refer

to this as a "pity f@ck".

 

9. Masturbating in front of someone while

they do the same... sorry, not sex...it

doesn't count...

 

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified

masturbation...it doesn't count...

 

11. 2 heterosexual women having fun, not

sex...it doesn't count...

 

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating...it

doesn't count...

 

13. An act to make a married person feel

good about themselves. Not sex,

BUT only if you do not know their

significant other...it doesn't count...

 

14. An act committed while you were

intoxicated...it doesn't count.

 

15. An act committed with a family member

of your significant other...it doesn't

count...(this should be referred to

as "a skeleton in the family closet").

 

16. Acts committed in a public place...it

doesn't count...(why should it, it was

public right?)

 

17. Phone sex...it doesn't count...(refer

back to "glorified masturbation")

 

18. In car...it doesn't count...way too

cramped...if vehicle isin motion and

has a console or stick shift...this

counts...way too kinky and erotic not

to count, unless the act was totally

oral, then refer back to rule 1...

 

19. An act committed in which the female of

the encounter did not achieve total

satisfaction (orgasm)...it doesn't

count.

 

20. An act committed in which total bodily

fluids have not been exchanged (pull-'n-

pray method of birth control)...it

doesn't count...

 

21. An act in which no kissing takes

place...it doesn't count...

(not considered to be intimate)

 

22. An act in which "you do all the

work"...it doesn't count.

 

23. An act committed with your next door

neighbor...it doesn't count, this

should be referred to as "being

neighborly".

 

24. An act committed with an acquaintance

because you are angry with your

significant other...it doesn't count.

 

25. An act which only happens on a random

basis...it doesn't count, this should

be considered " getting aquatinted "...

 

26. An act with a US President...it doesn't

count, unless the Senate votes for

impeachment...

 

27. An act with your boss...it doesn't

count, just considered career

enhancement; and/or additional employee

benefits.

 

 

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend

starts smoking?

 

A. Slow down and use a lubricant.­

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