The Immigration Game

[Colin Zeal EFM]

THE IMMIGRATION GAME

 

 

FOLLOWING his triumphant appearance on Have I Got News For You, Bruce Forsyth is being lined up for a return to prime-time TV.

 

He is to present a cutting-edge new show modelled on The Generation Game.

 

The format has been inspired by the news that human rights lawyers are touting for business among asylum seekers by offering them free mobile phones, videos, meals and trips to London.

 

A tape of the pilot programme landed on this column’s desk yesterday...

 

Laydeez and gent-ul-men. Live from Dover, it’s The Immigration Game.

 

Heeeere’s Brucie!

 

All right, my loves. Good game, good game. Nice to see you, to see you ...

 

NICE!

 

Let’s meet our first contestants, from Afghanistan. Give a big Immigration Game welcome to the Talibans.

 

Mother and son. That’s nice. Abdul, it says here that your hobby is stoning women to death. I’ll make a note of that. A bit impetuous.

 

And mum, you once came second in a beauty contest in Kabul. We’ll just have to take your word for it. Nice eyes, though. A wink’s as good as a nod.

 

OK, good game. Let’s bring on our second contestants who want to play The Immigration Game tonight. Please welcome brothers Ilie and Billie Pikea, from Romania. At least, that’s what it says here.

 

Now then, according to this, you only arrived here in Dover this evening.

 

Nice to see you, to see you ...

 

NICE!

 

And I’m told you came across the Channel in a paddling pool. I’ll make a note of that, too. Mad as a fish. Right. Ilie, it says here that back home in Albania ...

 

Romania.

 

Same thing. Albania, Romania, who cares? It says you are a qualified brain surgeon. Very good. Do you know anything about backs? I’ve got this twinge, see. Oh, never mind.

 

And Billie, it says here you specialise in extortion and prostitution.

 

We’ll have to watch this one. Could be trouble.

 

Now don’t forget, every time you hear the word “Croydon”

 

CROYDON!

 

You’re ahead of me already. Every time you hear “Croydon” ...

 

CROYDON!

 

All right, settle down. Every time you hear “Croy ...”

 

 

CROYDON!

 

Wait for it, wait for it. Every time you hear that word, it means someone else has qualified for an all-expenses-paid life in Britain.

 

So, let’s play The Immigration Game. And to show us how it’s done, please welcome, from the top human rights firm Nonces’R’Us, barrister Charles Claims-Direct.

 

Nice to see you, Charles, to see you ...

 

NICE!

 

Now then, you’re going to demonstrate just how easy it is to claim asylum in Britain.

 

Yes, I am Bruce. It’s quite simple, all you have to do is get here. When you arrive, you’ll be met by one of our representatives with a welcome pack, which includes a mobile phone and my telephone number. Just ring me up and I’ll give you the directions to Croydon ...

 

CROYDON!

 

... And we’ll take it from there. We recommend that before you arrive you destroy all your papers, passports, that sort of thing.

 

Does it help if you can speak English?

 

Definitely not. Even if you can speak English, we recommend you keep your mouth shut. We’ve got a team of trained interpreters to handle that side of things.

 

Anything else?

 

A notifiable disease is a bonus.

 

A Brucie bonus!

 

If you like, Bruce. AIDS always comes in handy. It can help you miss out Croydon...

 

CROYDON!

 

... altogether. We’ve got specially reserved NHS rooms for anyone with a communicable disease.

 

That’s nice.

 

And that’s basically it, Bruce. Once you’re here, you’re in for life. Just give me a call, collect your prize, and away you go.

 

The British taxpayer takes care of all the rest. And don’t forget the magic word “asylum”.

 

Super, super. Now then, contestants, that’s all there is to it. So let’s play The Immigration Game.

 

Before we give you your first-class rail tickets to Croydon ...

 

CROYDON!

 

... we’ll go straight to the conveyor belt where you can choose your prizes courtesy of our good friends at Nonces’R’Us and the British government.

 

And on the conveyor belt tonight, a mobile phone, a video recorder, a toaster, a council house, free NHS treatment, social security, unemployment benefit, legal aid, driving lessons, a seaside holiday, cuddly toy....

 

CUDDLY TOY!

 

Didn’t they do well!

 

 

www.thesun.co.uk

 

 

[EFM's Librarian]

And you say the Sun doesn't have an effect on what people think <img src="/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I won't bother reprinting the next article because it is rather long (but I read yours Zeal - so please do me the courtesy of reading mine), but it does debunk a number of the implicit assumptions in that Sun article. Particularly the bit about infectious diseases.

 

And before you accuse me of having no sense of humour, I really think that kind of article is very dangerous, it plants ideas in peoples heads, that they accept as the truth without considering the facts <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

[pabird]

If you have lived the facts it is a very funny piece

 

[Colin Zeal EFM]

Bloody hell, why don't you ask me to read something a bit shorter like, say, War And Peace!? I notice Sir Richard Littlejohn gets a mention though...

 

Quote:

"In the Sun, Richard Littlejohn wrote, on 20 February 2003, that the European Convention of Human Rights (ECHR) is 'one of the most wicked pieces of legislation ever brought into British law... little more than a charter for terrorists, gangsters, illegal immigrants, drugs dealers'."

 

Well, he does have a point!!

 

I will have a read, but not just now.

 

 

[CANV EFM]

i read it libro.. there just waay to much of it to comment on any bits.. tho i did notice a sneaky reference to 'material equality' in there as well.. bloody commies..!