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By Alan B. Tyers III, Junior


What with their team doing so well, many Americans have written in telling us that they will soon dominate soccer like they do all other sports. Ahead of the Brazil big one, may we present our guide to the England team for any few American readers who are not yet totally expert on our humble game?


Dave Seaman

Goaltender with a .675 save average in last four, the Arsenal Gooners veteran dresses ahead of other netminders James and Martyn and looks for a fourth consecutive shutout. Stats breakdown of just two handling errors with no turnover. In the frame to make all-star team of the World Cup series.


Danny Mills

Outside linebacker with awesome defensive hit ratio of 6-6-8, will need to use his 12th ranked change-up to stay with Brazil wide receiver Denilson. Topped offensive tackle sinbins in Premiership League last semester and has rushed for 462 yards so far with 75% crossball completion axis.


Rio Ferdinand

Star defender of England Lions in World Series Cup this far, also linking up with offense for powerplay from wide corner to send England on its way against Denmark Danes. Captain of defense and successor to Bob Moore, needs a huge play to live with Brazil star offender Ronaldo in the shotzone Friday.


Sulzeer Campbell

Got awesome air for headbomb conversion from the deadball as England ties with Sweden one goal apiece in the opener, but just average (0.369) groundplay facing run-oriented offensive offender offenses. Rated third most likely centerblocker to face red-card takedown if the slam hots up.


Ashley Cole

Rookie linebacker and wing-receiver, freshman Cole dresses alongside domestic lockerbud Campbell for his 12th England show, matching 463 minutes of field time with powerplay change-up stats of 5-6-3 in the half. Vital cornerman, new shorts.


Trevor Sinclair

Kicked out of draft but reinstated in roster after injuries to other midfieldermen, the West Hams wingkicker showed his groundspeed and determination in repeated transglobe redeye flights prior to Tournament Japan 02. Can the rookie leap to the top of the intro charts with outside joggy work?


Nick Butt

6-5-7, 12, 468, 0.43, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 98632548, 1, 1, 0 (?), 0, 1. 0.3.


Paul Scholes

Posted missing as England embarrassed itself against underdog Sweden, but hit right back with power display in centerfield against Argentina in a grudge match showdown over the Maldives war. Powerblast on the upright against Nigeria in second quarter pushed kickpoint average over three for first time since 2001 draft.


David Beckham

Special team star and midfields captain. Has crossfields delivery success rate well into point-nine-oh's and rates as top special teams kicktaker. Ranked as most valuable player in Manchester Devils, the right linewingbackerman marked an assist in three-zip victory over Denmark, also a spot conversion against the Argentina Longhairs.


Emile Heskey

Weighing in at two-twenty-three pounds, the Liverpool Reds tight-end makes the startline despite calls for several other offensive linerunners in the bullpen. Tumbling completion rate of 0.978 and power running upfield make the offensive batterblocker a tough opponent, although has net targeting ranking of only four per bi-decade. Allocated 11 jersey in the kit register in honour of family visiting Twin Towers in early eighties.


Mick Owen

England Lions looks to Owen as its major net sourcer and offensive matchtaker. Rush average and controlled dribble holding figure in top quartile of all-time stats, plus tedium quotient among all-time bore champions of soccer. Question over interception completion logarithm against fly balls in the defense quarter.

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