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There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged

daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure

enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.


The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look

and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.


He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the

father of that child, "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then

he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around

on me?"


The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."





A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the

dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.


As he examined the body of Bob Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he

discovered the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr.

Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with

a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for

posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead

man's member.


The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The

first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you

won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she

screamed, "Bob Schwartz is dead!"





A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the

front door. "Hurry" she said, "Stand in the corner."


She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum

powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend

you're a statue."


"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's

just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their

bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."


No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they

went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to

the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.


"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I had to stand like that at

the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of






A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."


"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy. The barman replies, "Yes." So the guy

glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone

steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"


"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.


"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"


The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."


The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"


The bartender replies, "Same thing I'm doing to his business."





Jack was dying. His wife Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by

his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.


Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips

began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my

love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."


He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something

I must confess to you."


"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's

all right, go to sleep."


"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best

friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"


"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."


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