A Compendium !

[Big J R]

Just a few, to keep you chuckling !

 

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PARATROOPER

 

A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.

 

"Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergent standing behind me told me that if I didn''t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass."

 

"Well did you jump?" asks his dad.

 

"Just a little at first" answered the boy.

 

 

Death Blonde

 

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."

 

Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

 

The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

 

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."

 

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. Helooks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying !! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be OK ??"

 

"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

 

 

Blonde Baby!

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was going to have a baby?

 

I hope it's mine.

 

 

Paying for Sex?

 

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £20 for sex."

 

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

 

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25."

 

Cinderella

 

Cinderella goes to the ball all dressed up kitted out by her fairy godmother on condition that she returns home by midnight or her fanny would turn into a watermelon...so Cinderella arrives at the ball and is invited to sit and eat with the charming prince.

 

First course goes by, the prince and cinders are chatting away, the main meal goes by, the prince and cinders are laughing away getting on really well, then for afters the prince orders water melon and he tucks into this melon, he's loving it chomping from side to side, juices going everywhere, all over his face, dribbling out the side of his mouth and he turns to

Cinderella and asks: "What time do you have to return home ?"

 

Cinderella replies"4 a.m. !"

 

The Compact.

 

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

She hands it to the second blonde. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,

 

"You dummy, it's me!"

 

Cheating Boyfriend.

 

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

 

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

 

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

 

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it !"

 

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

 

 

State Capitals.

 

A blonde brags about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy-'W'."

 

Road Traffic Accident.

 

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch.

"Wow!" the policeman gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree ! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car,

"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.

That was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."

 

Robbed.

 

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a dog unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.

I call the police for help, and what do they do ? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

 

 

 

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.

 

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

 

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

 

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in* place.

 

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ,and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

 

The guy is amazed !! Everything had been SO incredible !!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

 

"No," she replies........."

 

 

 

Wait for it...

 

 

 

It's coming...

 

 

 

 

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

 

She says :

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[color:"blue"] "You just happened to catch my eye."

[color:"black"]

 

(Oh shut up, I just forward 'em, I don't write 'em!)

 

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