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Definitely NOT p.c. !!

Big J R

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I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful sods. All I said was, 'Hurry up for christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go to! ?


Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble any more.


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tee ready !


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb ?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken'. She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b@stard, I was talking to the cat!'


Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can

read, but bless you for having a go !


Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've called him Birmingham.



In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry ok ?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song

then bugger off.'


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters! '


Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'.



Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here'. Show Biz sources think she'll

do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

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