Are You Lonely??

[Colin Zeal EFM]

When all the nights are dream and not really what they seem, I cut my hair in spite and set my hands on fire. In the daylight hours I go out and kill the flowers

 

Are you lonely??

[GHA EFM]

First Yesterday's Man, and now this. Zeal, cheer up!!!

[CANV EFM]

your bound to be a bit lonely if all the people you meet are

1.your missus

2.the 58 yr old belter at work

3.the bird at the booze counter in safeways

[Rob_the_Saint]

4. Thornsy

[CANV EFM]

this'll cheer u up zealster

note number 11. Laz

 

30 Commandments for Men

> =======================

> 1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and

> eaten by his fellow partygoers.

>

> 2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

>

> 3. It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

> a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

> b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

> c. After wrecking your boss' car.

> d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

> e. When she is using her teeth.

>

> 4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out

of

> jail within 12 hours.

>

> 5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off

limits

> forever, unless you actually marry her.

>

> 6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.

> Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

>

> 7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another

man.

> In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

>

> 8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

> weakest.

>

> 9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may

ask

> the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

>

> 10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her

> to

> climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of

flatulent

> entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

>

> 11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're

> sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless

> supermodel...and it's free.

>

> 12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to

> kick another bloke in the nuts.

>

> 13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

>

> 14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

>

> 15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

>

> 16. Women who claim to "love watching sports" must be treated as spies

> until

> they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much

as

> the other sports watchers.

>

> 17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a

> girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and

threw

> it into a ceiling fan.

>

> 18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain

> sober enough to fight.

>

> 19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,

> but not both - that's just mean.

>

> 20. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking

> about

> his choice of beer.

>

> 21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in criticising a mate of yours,

> except if she's withholding a shag pending your response.

>

> 22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

> a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

> b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

> c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

>

> 23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

both

> urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost

> imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

>

> 24. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are

> able to have a shag with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if

> necessary.

>

> 25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive

> hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese,

> turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is

> broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.

>

> 26. The morning after you and a girl (who was formerly "just a friend")

> have

> carnal drunken monkey sex, and the fact that you're feeling weird and

> guilty, is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about

what

> a big mistake it was.

>

> 27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for

her

> to drive yours.

>

> 28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than

> 1.5litres.

> Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 2 litres, 16 valves, and a

> turbo.

>

> 29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,

> orange or sky blue.

>

> 30. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for

Christmas?"

> with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a playstation.

>

>

 

[Laz]

CANV, regarding point 11 above: I don't go to tropical beaches, I don't know any topless supermodels, I'm not bothered if it's free, but most importantly, I drink whenever I want.

 

I think the Hooded Man should review point 13.

[Colin Zeal EFM]

No.8 reminds me of a coach trip to Dagenham a few years back.

 

 

[Laz]

Ah yes! I remember that, moaning all the way down the M11. Obviously in the days before we realised you could p*ss in a b*ttle.

[Colin Zeal EFM]

I remember someone being caught short on the train coming back from Canvey a few seasons ago, and as there were no bogs on the train, he had to piss in the bin.

 

 

[Laz]

Not Mr Viz by any chance? I've seen him p*ss in most places.

[Colin Zeal EFM]

No actually. It was one of EFM.

[SAINTS64MAD]

Zeal is having a bit of a money problem. This is fairly normal for him to be doing this.

[Colin Zeal EFM]

Nope. The money's been sorted out now, MAD.

 

I got paid today and I'm officially loaded.

 

 

[SAINTS64MAD]

Cool! brind the CD for me please 2moz Colin. What is your real name by the way?

[Colin Zeal EFM]

I'll tell you tomorrow. <img src="/forums/images/icons/wink.gif" alt="" />

[SAINTS64MAD]

Why dont you send it to me in a PM,Please! then i can shout you if im trying to find ya!

[Laz]

What's a money problem?

[Colin Zeal EFM]

You'll find me. I'll be behind the goal with the EFM lads. I'll be the one with the Smiths CD in my hand.

 

 

[CANV EFM]

when it wont all fit in your pocket Laz... why do you think combat strides where invented

[SAINTS64MAD]

Ok then.