Women's Things

[David Holden]

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

 

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy

 

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes school.

 

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

 

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes

she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your bloody question?

 

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour

just pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

 

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

 

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my

wife is in labour?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

 

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

 

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel

and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

 

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OESTROGEN ISSUES

 

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "OESTROGEN ISSUES"

 

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every bumper sticker that

says "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-."

6. Everyone's head looks like a punch-bag

7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. Your vocabulary includes some "choice" words.

 

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

 

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your fringe to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand

 

1. OTHER WOMEN

 

 

[Halifax Lass]

Chap on a long haul flight suffering from the runs and desperate to use the toilet but they're all full. Stewardess takes pity on him and says he can use the female cabin crew facilities but on no account must he press any of the buttons. He's sitting there and sees the row of buttons and thinks what harm can it do so he presses the white button. Metal arm comes out with moist tissue and wipes his backside. This is good he thinks so he presses the pink button. Metal arm, this time with a powder puff comes out and powders his backside. I'm all for this he thinks and presses the next button. When he wakes up he's in hospital so he calls the nurse over to ask what happened. "You pressed the red button" she says. "So what" he says. "So....... that's the automatic tampax remover.......... your testacles are in that jar by the side of the bed and your penis is under the pillow"!! <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />