Dear Council

[pabird]

Excerpts from actual letters to housing and other council departments:

 

 

> > > 1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

> > >

> > > 2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

> > >

> > > 3. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.

> > >

> > > 4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the

> outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

> > >

> > > 5. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

> > >

> > > 6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

> > >

> > > 7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife

> tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

> > >

> > > 8. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

> > >

> > > 9. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

> > >

> > > 10. I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers.

> > >

> > > 11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

> > >

> > > 12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

> > >

> > > 13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces.

> > >

> > > 14. Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

> > >

> > > 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his [****!!****] wakes me up and it's getting too much.

> > >

> > > 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

> > >

> > > 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it.

> > >

> > > 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be

> pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

>

> > > 19. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.

> > >

> > > 20. I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.

> > >

> > > 21. We are getting married in September and would like it in the

> garden before we move into the house.

> > >

> > > 22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

> > >

> > > 23. In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

> > >

> > > 24. I want my sick pay quick. I have been under my current doctor for a week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.

> > >

> > > 25. Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.

> > >

> > > 26. This is to let you know there is an awful smell coming from the man next door.

> > >

> > > 27. I am very annoyed to find out that you have branded my son

> illiterate. This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.

> > >

> > > 28. Regarding your inquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those in my bottom are hurting dreadfully.

> > >

> > > 29. You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this

> matter?

> > >

> > > 30. Sir, I am forwarding birth certificates for my two children, one of which you will see is a mistake.