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Jack Bauer


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Neither brilliant or oiginal. But plenty of in jokes for 24 fans and the one about Kim's virginity is quite funny.



1 There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.

2 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

3 Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

4 On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.

5 Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.

6 When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.

7 Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.

8 When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.

9 There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.

10 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

11 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

12 Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.

13 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

14 When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.

15 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

16 Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.

17 Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.

18 Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.

19 Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

20 Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets. So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.

21 Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.

22 Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.

23 The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.

24 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

25 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.

26 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.

27 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

28 If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.

29 If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's [****!!****] beef.

30 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

31 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

32 Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.

33 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

34 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

35 After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.

36 Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.

37 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

38 The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself

39 If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

40 Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.

41 When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer [****!!****] hates lemonade.

42 There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.

43 The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

44 My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.

45 ...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."

46 When Jack Bauer says, "I don't know if I can do this anymore", the statement must be loosely translated as, "I can still rip off your head, I just don't know if I feel like I can [****!!****] down your neck at this time."

47 Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.

48 Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

49 Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

50 A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.

51 The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.

52 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

53 It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

54 Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.

55 If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

56 Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."

57 MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.

58 Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.

59 Jack Bauer doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.

60 Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.

61 If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.

62 The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.

63 Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."

64 Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

65 Jack Bauer can pronounce the name "Ahmed" however he [****!!****] wants.

66 Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon". Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families. But statistics don't lie.

67 In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.

68 Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

69 Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.

70 When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.

71 RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted.

72 Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

73 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important.

74 When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

75 Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.

76 Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.

77 Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

78 Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.

79 When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.

80 Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.

81 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

82 Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that.

83 There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

84 In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the [****!!****] have you done with your life?

85 The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.

86 Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

87 "You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.

88 When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

89 Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.

90 Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.

91 Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

92 Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

93 Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

94 Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

95 When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.

96 When Jack says "I won't take no for an answer" you better not say no.

97 Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.

98 When Jack Bauer jumps from an airplane, he doesn't fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.

99 Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's [****!!****] Jack Bauer.

100 When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.



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Some good ones there. Has reminded me I really should start plowing through the season box sets I bought a while ago and haven't got around to watching yet.

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