The Mayor Of Simpleton Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." 2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. " 3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." 4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." 5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y." 6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." 7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." 8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" 9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." 10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances." Some not-too bad ones, but I think most people on here can do better. Here's a few of my favourites: John Lennon said 'All you need is love' - he's never had to buy an I-Phone each year! I was on a flight to New York, when the stewardess walked through topless handing out free bottles of tequila and bagfuls of cocaine. Well, Virgin want to treat you like a rock star! My mate watches Desperate Housewives a lot - he's a window cleaner! Joey Barton is, apparently, in talks with Rotherham United's Steve Evans about a loan move. He's arrogant, rude, unpopular and ugly - and also the Rotherham boss! A horse walks into a bar, and the bar-man says 'why the long face?' The horse says 'I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the t*sser on my back!' So fill your boots chaps, what are your favourite jokes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RalphC Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 Not sure I understand the wining one liner. The second is better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mayor Of Simpleton Posted August 21, 2012 Author Share Posted August 21, 2012 I think it's because Posh and Becks give their children weird names e.g. Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz. It's not like they're being called John, Paul or David. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mayor Of Simpleton Posted August 21, 2012 Author Share Posted August 21, 2012 I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it..... I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic...... My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me "Son....... I really like what mechanics wear.....overall..... I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....they didn't respond to my telegram....... I used to be a mime.....but now I can talk about it...... I manufactured clown shoes.....which was no small feat........... What is the big deal about train spotters.......I counted 27 of the losers today........ I want to write a mystery novel.......or do I?....... I was a trapeze artist.....but I was let go........also was a trampoline salesman....off and on..... I failed math so many times, I can't even count........ Regarding my family....I'm the youngest of three....my parents are both older....... You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia....... I quit my job at the helium gas factory....I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.... I have mixed-race parents.....my father prefers 100 meters..... My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hookey Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Exit signs, they're on the way out. (Tim Vine) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big J R Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Tim Vine is the ABSOLUTE master of quick-fire one liners. He recently appeared at Dorking Halls - Unfortunately, I was awy on that day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mayor Of Simpleton Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 A guy went up to Andy Murray and asked if he wouldn't mind doubling up. Andy said 'sure', so the guy kicked him in the goolies. Elton John has a new car - a gay-friendly convertible. The top doesn't go down, but the chauffeur does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mayor Of Simpleton Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 There's a Blind Person's Social Centre been built near me - what a complete waste of money that is, they'll never find it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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