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Smarties !

Big J R

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This is a genuine email that was sent to the Customer Service department of Nestle, makers of Smarties.



Dear Sir/Ma'am,


May I start by saying how much my colleagues and I enjoy Nestle Smarties. So much so, that our snack machine has to be filled with more tubes of Smarties than anything else.


Some time ago, we started to collect the tops of the tubes in order to spell rude words and we have even held competitions for the longest and most original rude words spelt with the letters available.


Unfortunately we are having trouble creating new words and phrases due to a shortage of vowels. This is stifling the competitions and lowering our morale. Would you please help us progress beyond "sphincter", "cunnilingus" and "Richard Whiteleys anus lacks hair" by providing us with more vowels, especially the letter "o", (we so far have only 1). We have attempted to cure this problem ourselves by eating more Smarties, but appear to have accumulated quite a lot of the following letters in the process "k", "z" and "q", without collecting very much else of use. I am sure you will agree that these are tricky letters.


May I thank you in advance for any help in the creation of new words and phrases such as "[****!!****]" and "orbiting Uranus in the ship Brown Star Blaster".


Sincerely, Christopher.







Dear Christopher,


Thank you for your recent Internet enquiry.


I would like to send you and your colleagues some Smartie lids with vowels on, to help you with your games and competitions.


Please forward your address in order for me to send them.


Thank you once again for taking the trouble to contact us, we look forward to hearing from you.


P.S - We enjoyed the Richard Whiteley one!


Consumer Services Nestle UK Ltd.

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