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End of season Humour

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Guest

Posted
Posted

An Essex girl is driving along and asks her boyfriend to kiss her somewhere warm, wet and smelly. He tells her that it's to late to

drive to Canvey Island.

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Number 8 Newbie

Number 8

Posted
Posted

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband's not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of

coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches

as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

 

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room," Why are you down here at this time of night?" "Do you remember when I

met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do"

she replies.

 

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily....

 

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember!" says the wife, lowering herself into a

chair beside him.

 

The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to

jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

 

He wipes another tear from his cheek, and says......"I would have gotten out today."

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John Pearce Newbie

John Pearce

Posted
Posted

ESSEX EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

 

A major earthquake measuring 6.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday, 03 July 2004. Epicentre: Essex - Victims were seen wandering around aimless muttering "faaackin ell"

 

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair.

 

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived. Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened. In Canvey, one resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.

 

I was still shaking when I was watching Tricia the next morning."

 

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

 

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

 

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:

 

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockport boots

Any other items usually sold in Primark.

 

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream, cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro, for filling in the compensation forms,

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

 

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in claret -'where are you bleeding from?' they asked.

 

"Canvey Island” said the girl; "woss that got to do wiv it?"

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John@TheFleet Newbie

John@TheFleet

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Posted

A blonde is having golf lessons and is hitting balls all over the place. The instructor says "You're holding the club wrong. Try to imagine you're holding your husband's manhood and see how that goes."

 

She does and gets every ball onto the green. The instructor says "That's superb. Now try it without the club in your mouth."

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Red Neck Newbie

Red Neck

Posted
Posted

A man is making himself a cup of tea, he looks out of his kitchen window to see a young boy climb over his fence and try to break into his garden shed. In these days of political correctness he knows he can't give the young thief a clip round the ear, so he phones the police.

'Excuse me officer', he says. 'Can you help me? There's a young boy just climbed over my garden fence, and he's trying to break into my shed'.

'Sorry', says the police officer on the other end of the phone. 'But we're a bit busy at the moment, and haven't got anyone to spare. If you could phone back in say half an hour.....

The man replies with a disappointed, 'Okay'. And hangs up.

The man thinks this over for a minute and decides, 'Damn it!' No. he won't be fobbed off with a lame excuse. So he phones the police up again.

'Hello', he says. 'I just phoned you about a boy breaking into my shed'.

'Oh! Yes sir', comes the reply.

'Don't bother sending anyone around now', the man says. 'I've dealt with it my self. I've shot him'.

Within five minutes there are two police helicopters circling over head. His house is surrounded by four police snippers. There are ten police dogs and forty police officers running across his lawn. The police kick in his back door and two burly police sergeants grab him, get in an arm lock, get him down on the floor and shout at him, 'You said you shot a boy?' The man calmly replies, 'And you said you didn't have anyone to spare'.

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jc Newbie

jc

Posted
Posted
Quote:
chris blanc (GNFC) said:
I love that you tell jokes making fun of dumb people, yet you spell deer incorrectly. <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />


Not forgetting his their/they're confusion. <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
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Number 8 Newbie

Number 8

Posted
Posted

A Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading.

 

Man says,

"This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

 

Wife replies, Hello..!!

"I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

 

Man replies, Hello..!!

"I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

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