Some to make you Groan !!!

[Big J R]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

 

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

 

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.

He's a catholic converter.

 

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said "Not you again!"

 

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot",

I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

 

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags.

He's bisatchel.

 

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi get out! We don't want your type in here"

 

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

 

A seal walks into a club...

 

AND FINALLY...............

 

A man goes to the doctors.

 

The doc checks him over, and says "sorry mate, but you have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth"

 

He trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there before.

 

He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners - prize £50, and then gets any line and wins £200. He also calls for a full house - and wins a grand.

 

The national grid comes up and he wins a further £8,000.

The bingo Caller gets him on stage, and says "son - I've never seen you in here in all my life, but u won 4 corners, any line, full house & the national grid - I've never met anyone so lucky"

 

"Lucky??" he screamed 'lucky? I'll have you know I've got yellow 24"

 

"F**k me" says the bingo caller "you've only gone and won the raffle as well !!"