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EFM The Firm, The Voice

Canvey Rubbish !!!!!!!!

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What can I say? We had just got the other patient back for some medication when this other one escaped. This one is more dangerous than the other and we have been experimenting trying to graft a pot-plant onto his head, thereby doubling his IQ at a stroke.<p>Sadly, the pot-plant keeps rejecting the recipient - can you blame it?<p>Dr Zbungle

Chief Psychiatric Officer

Runwell Hospital

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Dr - That's strange I was always of the opinion that plants like manure! This guys head is so full of S**t its spaying from his mouth too!!

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Well I'm hardly the clubs biggest fan but I will say the team, and its not them its the club my gripe is with, have been a credit to non-league football, he could yet be right about the runners up bit though! By the way Doc what are the waiting lists like at your hospital?

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Do you know Dr.Zbungle, he purports to be one of our supporters and that worries us greatly. What I would say is that you are far too generous in your assessment of his I.Q. but I think you'll find that it's not a plant pot on his head. An allotment cabbage patch would be a bit closer to the mark. Take him back to Runwell - please !!!!!<p>

<img src="graemlins/shocked2.gif" border="0" alt="[shocked2]" />

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Dear Mr Crawshaw,<p>In reply to your query, we never have enough places at our hospital for all the people who need help. If we did, there are many Canvey fans would be enjoying our facilities, inlcuding those two gentlemen Merv and Ian. One of them is far too clever for his own good and the other far too good looking - I leave you to work out which is which.<p>But it is you who interests me most. Many of my patients suffer from a condition known as 'p***s Envy'(sorry, the censor has caught me out - the biological term for a John Thomas). However, I suspect from reading your postings that you suffer from a similar condition, 'Jeff King Envy'. Whereas p***s Envy is curable by good counselling and self-administered sex-therapy, JKE has no cure. In fact, it has been known to be fatal - although there are a few things that can alleviate the symptoms:<p>1) Pay your £8 to watch Canvey and treat it as an honour to do so, you won't be disappointed,

2) Be happy for the Canvey fans who are getting what they want/deserve and don't spoil their fun, regardless of how much they pay,

3) Grow a thicker skin (or, in the vernacular, c**k a deaf 'un - censor again, rhymes with rock) when you hear bad language at a football match, regardless of who utters it,

4) Don't whatever you do, develop a Ray Cross Envy. That is always terminal.

5) Share your humble/apple pie with Merv but be careful both of you, far too many calories.<p>If there is no improvement there is one final cure that will put an end to all the problems that you, Merv, Frenchy, Vic, Wilf et. al., are having. But it might be very painful for you.<p>Dr Zbungle's Magic Cure

Come to Park Lane, make yourself known to any of the persons named above and have a couple of drinks with them in the bar. Talk, argue and debate, but most important, have a laugh. It's when people take themselves too seriously that my hospital gets full.<p>Mine's a pint Creme de Menthe shandy.<p>Dr Zbungle

Chief Psychiatric Officer

Runwell Hospital<p>[ 08 January 2002: This message was edited by: Dr Zbungle ]<p>[ 08 January 2002: This message was edited by: Dr Zbungle ]</p>

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Now there's a good poll to run. Who's the good looking one and who's the clever one? Ian or me?<p>Thanks Doc.<p>Merv CIFC

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EFM, You obviously know nothing, as you have proved, you support which team?.. Bring them on.. How many games have we lost this season? You count them, then come back on this discussion board, and put something decent.

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Dear Bill,<p>Please. Whatever you do, DON'T encourage him.<p>Dr Zbungle

Chief Psychiatric Office

Runwell Hospital<p>BTW - When are you coming in for your next check-up?

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Doc, you don't really think I've got JKE do you? Now you really have got me worried!

As for point 2 I was actually thinking of the away fans, I don't think the G&N fans who attended last night will have the same opinion.

However your majic cure sounds good, it wouldn't be painful for me but it might be for my wallet you see I have this condition which prevents me paying over the odds to watch football matches.

If it were not for that I would be at the Chelsea v Tottenham game tonight but when I developed this condition I told them, very politly of course, what they could do with their season ticket which is how I came to be watching non-league in the first place, but thats another story.

The only other problem I can forsee is actually getting into the bar and then actually getting served with a drink, something that proved to be impossible on my previous visit to Park Lane!

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OK then John, what about this for an offer.<p>Come to Park Lane and I will personally take you in, at no cost to yourself. You can choose seating or standing. The offer includes a programme and a 50/50 draw ticket.<p>I will also buy you that pint in the bar (actually, one of the fastest serving bars in the Ryman, regardless of the crowd size). I understand that the only reason you couldn't get a drink the last time you came was that you bored the bar staff to death before they could take your order, going on about, "...it's very expensive to come in here... Jeff King swore at someone... the ground won't pass Conference grading... Canvey fans are being ripped off..."<p>Now that is an offer you don't get every day. Correct?<p>Merv CIFC

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Be careful of accepting free offers from Merv, Mr Crawshaw.

The programme would have been stolen from Ian. The 50/50 draw ticket will be from the previous week and the pint would have been the first one pulled from the barrel that day at about 11.30am and best avoided!

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How dare you say things like that about me Dickie. Just watch! My adoring fans will now come rolling in like an avalanche to defend me from your shocking accusations.<p>You have been warned. Ian, make sure the server can handle the millions of hits it is about to receive from my following.<p>Merv CIFC

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By jove you're right - the server hits have gone up....by one.<p>I guess your entire fan club must all share the same PC.

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Funny, it's gone very quiet!!

<img src="graemlins/bandit.gif" border="0" alt="bandit" />

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Obvious, innit?<p>B l o o d y Ian has done something to stop all the messages from my hundreds of fans from getting through.<p>He's jealous as h e l l.<p>Merv CIFC

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Guest

They are obviously far too rude to read!!

<img src="graemlins/sick.gif" border="0" alt="sick" />

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If he accepts you should take him out and get him laid as well Merv; that may give divvering fool something else to think about and hopefully encourage him onto the Bishop S's site, and get rid of him from ours. We don't want him here. You could take him to York road in Southend to meet a nice young lady, but then again 'the entrance fee might be too expensive !!

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No Martin if that were to happen you would get a lot of xxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxx *** !!<p>Merv - if we all had a whip round; the idea of getting JC laid isn't so silly really, with enough money and I suppose it would take a lot, we could get the fecking life shegged out of him!!

Would need a real good pair of ear-muffs on the 'broad' though!!(No pun intended of course)

<img src="graemlins/smilewinkgrin.gif" border="0" alt="[smilewinkgrin]" />

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