Modern Day Nelson

[Burnham Lad]

It is almost 200 years since Lord Nelson’s victory in the famous Battle of Trafalgar. But how would he have fared had he been fighting that battle today?

 

You are now on the desk of the recently renamed British Flagship HMS Appeasement.

“Order the signal, Hardy”

“Aye Aye sir”

“Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the Signal Officer. What’s the meaning of this?”

”Sorry sir, England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.

“What gobbledegook is this?”

“Admiralty policy I’m afraid sir. We’re an Equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting “England” past the censor lest it be considered racist”.

“Gadzooks Hardy, Hand me my pipe and tobacco”.

“Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments”.

“In that case, break open the rum ration”.

“Sorry Admiral, the rum ration has been abolished. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking”.

“Good Heavens Hardy, I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead then”.

“Sir, I think you’ll find there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water”.

“Damn it man. We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the Crow’s Nest please”.

“That won’t be possible sir”

“What?”

“Health & Safety had closed the Crow’s Nest sir. No harness. And they said that the rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding is erected”.

“Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay Hardy”.

“He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foc’scle Admiral”.

“Wheelchair access. Never heard anything so absurd in my life”.

“Health & Safety again Sir, We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled”

“Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card”.

“Actually Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency”.

“Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons”

“A couple of problems there sir. Health & Safety won’t let the crew climb the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt. Haven’t you seen the health adverts?”

“I’ve never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy”

“The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral. They’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks”.

“Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

“Actually, sir, we’re not. The Frenches and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with claim for compensation.

“But you’re supposed to hate a Frenchman like you hate the devil”

“I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You be up on disciplinary charges”.

“But you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your Kind”.

“Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural age”.

“Now put on your Kevlar vests. It’s the rules.”

“Don’t tell me. Health & Safety”. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”

“As I explained sir, rum is off the menu. And there’s a ban on corporal punishment””

“And what about sodomy?”

“I believe it’s to be encouraged sir”.

“In that case, … kiss me Hardy.”

[American FLEET FAN No1]

Why is this in the Laughter Lounge????????

It's not funny...........It's TRUE!!!!!!!!

[Big J R]

P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S !!