Today in court.

[Guest]

I Judge Fred, declare the following events as an accurate account of today's court proceedings:

 

THE ACCUSED: Chelmsford City supporters

WHY? CCFC fans stand accused from suffering of the condition known as 'BERTIE BIG BOLLOX' or 'BBB' syndrome. They also stand accused of tampering with attendance figures to boost their already inflated egos.

THE EVIDENCE? The following is a posting from the 'Chelmsford City Soapbox'. The author is registered user 'Duane', talking about CCFC crowds:

 

"One of the lads posted on here that City's gate was more than Dagenham & Grays combined(cant find it to give exact quote)but I ,for one, am not suprised. Being a Dagenham lad the problem they have always faced is that the population is concentrated in the north & west and it is easier to get to West Ham than Dagenham East.That is why despite all their success on the field they struggle to attain 1500 gates--a shame but there you are.As for Grays what crowds would City get if they had the last 3 seasons enjoyed by them not 1500 thats for sure. I predict that if our side is successful next season we will have the biggest crowds in Essex by a mile.Further with regards to the Essex ryman clubs our gates will be bigger than any THREE PUT TOGETHER"

 

IF FOUND GUILTY? If found guilty, Duane will have his newly inflated testicles burst by the Royal Queen's Gonad Busting Regiment, by a knitting needle in the Hammer Net at Melbourne Park.

 

Judge Fred says:

The evidence is damning. Give Duane the maximum sentance and give him back his small balls. I urge you to find him GUILTY.

[GazzaBTFC]

Guilty

[Ryan.c]

Yep, one 3,000 crowd (which included at least 400 Blues IMO) and all of sudden they're the Man U of Non-League football.

 

GUILTY

[GazzaBTFC]

Oh yes, someone did compare their new ground to Old Trafford before they got there. Was it the same poster?

[extaffyjim]

Of course theyll be getting more than Southend and Colchester combined soon. Guilty as charged your honour

[Guest]

At eight minutes past two this morning (GMT), registered user 'Duane', formally of the Chelmsford City Soapbox, was found GUILTY of suffering from BERTIE BIG BOLLOX syndrome (or BBB) after just a single match at Melbourne Park and was sentenced to have his plums deflated.

 

At eight thirty three (GMT), Duane taken down by order of Her Majesty's Royal Queen's Gonad Busting Regiment and was placed in the Hammer Net at Melbourne Park. At eight thirty five, the Hammer Net was sealed where-upon a knitting needle was deployed into Duane's glands. This subsequently released an enormous amount of hot air which had a 'Hovercraft' effect on the Hammer Net. As a result, the Hammer Net now stands in the centre circle.

 

Duane is now in a Government run scheme for the rehabilitation for people suffering from severe delusion. It is hoped that Duane will one day be able to contol the size of his nadgers.

 

Peter Foster meanwhile has appealed for volunteers to move the Hammer Net back into it's original position.

[The Town Crier]

<img src="/forum/images/graemlins/smash.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/smash.gif" alt="" />

 

 

<img src="/forum/images/graemlins/laughuncontrollable.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/laughuncontrollable.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/laughuncontrollable.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/laughuncontrollable.gif" alt="" />

 

Great stuff Judge...keep it up

 

<img src="/forum/images/graemlins/applaus.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/applaus.gif" alt="" /> :

[Balmoral Claret]

BREAKING NEWS

 

Following a successful appeal, 'Duane' has been acquitted of all charges following the revelation that the prosecution in his case had been corrupted by jealousy, green eyes and the defeat of their football team at Melbourne Park on Monday 2nd January.

 

In an amazing change of fortune, judge fred found himself in the dock along with his collaborators, Ryan, Gazza and extaffyjim, in order to answer the above accusations and were all ultimately found guilty as charged.

 

However, in his summing up, the judge stated that compassion should be shown to the accused on the grounds that their football club had recently become managerless, would not achieve the league position promised by their (ex) manager at the start of the season, and must continue to play their home games at New Lodge, which is nowhere big enough to incorporate a running track around it's perimeter.

Taking this into account, the judge suspended sentence, but on the condition that the next time the accused were in Tescos to purchase grapes, he recommended that they sample the product first to ensure they didn't acquire any more sour ones!

[GazzaBTFC]

Of course, one could accuse some CCFC supporters of a total lack of humour....

[Balmoral Claret]

Yeah!.....but not ME hey Gazza?

Seriously though, hope you all have a very happy new year, and your managerial vacancy is filled successfully in the very near future (you could have done a lot worse than have given Matt Jones a chance, at least until the end of the season).

[peter foster]

Didn't you find Balmoral's offering to be on a par with the judge's, humourwise, Gazza?

[Guest]

Balmoral Claret, I will not tolerate such behaviour in my court. Security, please remove that tube of glue from the accused please.

 

Balmoral Claret, the original charge against Duane was based on FACT. He was charged and found guilty in front of a jury of sound mind and immune from inflamed testicles. Your appeal has further highlighted that the epidemic of BERTIE BIG BOLLOX syndrome is now spreading out of control amongst the Chelmsford City faithful. Here is another example of this cruel disease which makes CCFC supporters become deluded. Clarets on Tour, registered member of the Chelmsford City Soapbox wrote:

 

Premier Division

Team HomeGames Lowest Highest Average Total

AFC Wimbledon 12 2,093 3,002 2,614 31,368

Margate 11 401 1,280 778 8,560

Chelmsford City 11 282 2,998 654 7,196

Hampton 12 203 2,520 495 5,940

 

Right firstly, wow we have shot up the table!

Secondly shame we couldn't have squeezed in a few more to beat AFCW's 3,002.

Thirdly that table is wrong... it should read...

 

Premier Division

Team HomeGames Lowest Highest Average Total

Chelmsford City 1 2,998 2,998 2,998 2,998

AFC Wimbledon 12 2,093 3,002 2,614 31,368

Margate 11 401 1,280 778 8,560

Hampton 12 203 2,520 495 5,940

 

In summary, Clarets on Tour is claiming top spot in the average attendances after just one game at Melbourne Park. With his testicles so inflated, he is unable to type or tab properly due to his 'Buster Gonads' hindering his view of the screen and keyboard. I have alerted the authorities that BERTIE BIG BOLLOX syndrome has now reached the darkest corners of Scotland. I warn all forum users that an outbreak of 'total bollox' may soon becoming to a messageboard near you.

[GazzaBTFC]

Quote:

judge fred said:
I warn all forum users that an outbreak of 'total bollox' may soon becoming to a messageboard near you.

Well...only one forum...CCFC soapbox!!!

I suggest that the Internet Police incarcerate all CCFC fans and impose a quarantine on the site should this disease spread!!!

It's spread is more contageous than Bird Flu!!!

[Ian Blockhead]

Judge could we not raise a petition requesting an immediate return of capital punishment for anyone subjecting us to pre-meditated BBB syndrome (of course this would be post any interim hammer cage treatment)??