So the grades will be a bit like cars - bottom of the range is De Luxe, and they work up from there.
Obviously no-one is allowed to fail any more, so less than 40% will get B. Grades will then up through A, A*, A**, and A Premium.
Turning up for the exam will earn 10 marks. Being on time will get another 10. Writing your name on the top is another 10, and spelling it correctly also 10.
In the interest of diversity, equality and inclusion, all those from a single parent family will be awarded 20 marks compensation. All those who ARE single parents will get 25 marks and a council flat. Dyslexics will have three weeks to complete the exam (and an extra 25 marks). The test will be whether they can spell dyslexic or not. Anyone with British parents or grandparents will be deducted 10 marks, ethnic minorities will be awarded 25 points to level the playing field. Speakers of other languages may complete the paper in the language of their choice, or not at all. Entrants with at least one parent in receipt of benefits, or who qualify for free school dinners, are awarded 30 points and a clerk to do the writing for them.
In order to streamline the system which is danger of becoming unwieldy, everyone will be awarded 100 per cent if they give an assurance that they have done lots of work.
I'm getting the hang of this, I should work for the government!